it really bugs me

I'm just so confused and frustrated right now....

what should I believe in?

sometimes I wish answers were written right in front of me...

sick after a wonderful time

So, it was a great ice show the 2nd April. The international skaters, most of them, skated two programs. It was awesome!

And the day after, I got to meet Stéphane Lambiel! I was so nervous all the time, but when we sat in the car and was heading to the airport, it felt natural. The talking went quite smooth, and my english was surprisingly well. He talks good too, in a nice tempo. I couldn't ask him so many things, because the conversation didn't go that way... But watching him all the way to the airport was just so nice. I had a great time, and I won't forget that moment for a looong time.
He's really a prince charming, and I wish we had more time to chat.

Now I'm sick, because my brother have been sick for a long time, and he's been coughing all over the place for weeks! And when I stopped the nervous feeling about the meeting and stuff, the virus got hold on me.... So I've been almost knocked out today. Not much fever, slighly throat ache, but it's irritating. I can't do proper things, but I don't get much better by lying down all the time. So I've been watching "Hotaru no Hikari" a bit, mailing and stuff, but it's not getting better anyway. Now I'm just wishing that the virus gets out of me, as soon as possible....
I was planning to go to the city today to help a friend, but geez, that didn't work out at all...

I stayed up!

I managed to stay up for the Opening ceremony. I was quite tired while watching, but I did see the whole thing. Even the little miss they did with the Olympic fire.
Stéphane Lambiel was holding the Swiss flag! (^O^) He looked so excited like a little child. So cute!

I was amazed by the Canadian indians. Their culture is so amazing... I can't describe in words, but I really love their culture and beliefs. It's so cool that they were there to welcome the olympics into their territories.

I watched the reprise of Pairs short just now. Only the last two warm-up groups. I really wonder which pair will win this time... The points are close. There are many pairs that skate good and I don't know which pair I like the most. Well, they'll skate their free programs today. But I won't be up to watch, I'll watch some reprise.


What bugs me all these days are a story to our skating club's ice show we'll be doing in March... I really can't come up with something great... I don't know what to write... It's going to be an "Around the world" story. But how, I don't know....And we don't have much time left....!!
So that's what's inside my head all the time the past time... Help me someone..!!

Last 2009-post

Already one year gone. Too fast isn't it? So tomorrow I'll be going to one of my friend's home. We'll eat dinner and party until we can't stand up, I think. I've bought a champagne, rosé, Alexandre Bonnet. I hope it tastes good, it looks tasty anyway (^^).
And tomorrow I'll wear high heels, I wonder how that'll go... Wish me luck.

This year has been eventful. I've been to two-days GLAY concert, my first ONE OK ROCK live, met many old friends, some I haven't met in 10 yrs. My skaters have developed a lot during this one year. I hope they'll become much better this coming year too. Some will start competing for the first time. Well not exactly first time, but official competition will be first time.

What I feel is that me myself haven't developed so much, I haven't gone forward, nor backward. It feels like my life have just got stuck. I want to move on, but I don't know how, what I will start with. Maybe I don't have the courage, or maybe I'm just lost. I don't know. But somehow I just stand where I stood last year, it feels like that.
I have to start studying something this coming year, I think so anyway. But I don't know what. And I really have to get starting with my driving. I have to get the driver's licence this coming year, I can't push it anymore, or it will end nothing.

The thing is, I've got so many things I wanna do.


Happy New Year!

many things

Oh damn... Days are just running past and I can't see the near future...
I'm totally floating around in nothing-ness. And there are problems after problems in our club. Would the club ever become any better?? I do love working as a coach, but sometimes it feels like you're doing a job and no one seems to respond... My group are going quite well lately, but there are some things missing...

Anyway.. I have a huge need of love, yes falling in love. When will that happen?

So many things I haven't done lately, and some things I should have done earlier but still haven't done. Like sending one of my friends some stuff, sending another friend a CD-rom with pics, and probably other stuff I can't remember now.

And my thoughts are always spinning around in my head, future, studies, what to do, how to, when, maybe, maybe not, driver's license, sport, love?, photo, work, ..., ....
Gaah, getting crazy like every day... Lost, totally.

Oh, 1 am, I have to sleep. So bye

daydreamin'

Geez...how damn hard must it be to decide what to do next??

I've been thinking, researching, thinking again, the last couple of days about my future. I've been thinking about photography, astronomy, study abroad, writer, movie-related, etc. etc. I simply don't know what to do. Or where to go. I know I want to go somewhere else to study, but it's so expensive everywhere, and it feels like I have to plan a long time ahead before going anywhere. Work a bunch of money before starting an education somewhere.

What I know is, every world is hard, there is probably no world that is simple enough, if you want to become something big. I want to become big, I don't want to live somewhere and be there without anyone noticing. Ok, it sounds weird, but really, I can't see myself an usual daily life where every day are similar to each day. I have to have a daily life full of different things, every day has to be different, or I'll crash...

I want to go somewhere I've never been before. Cities I haven't visited, like London, NYC, or Paris?

I want to do so many things, yet I'm sitting here like always. Tired of my self.

What I feel now is, I have to start an education.

What kind of education? Where? Does it have a future? Do I see a future in it?

There's so much going on in my head. I'm going to explode soon...! And, daydreaming, I could write a whole book, or even more with all these daydreaming I'm doing day in and day out. I could do a movie with every daydream I'm having. Daydreamer=Me.

Maybe that's why I love to watch movies, I love to get into an another life, another daylife. I think I'm watching movies to get away from the present for some hour.

I'm surely a daydreamer...

oh rainy days...

So, a lot's of things have happened since we got into June.
First off, my brother graduated, and we had to prepare a lots of things for his graduation. We cleaned more than half our house (the rest was 'hidden' from public...), mum made a lots of food. After his graduation, the last practice for the skaters were two days after. As the two previous sundays, we ran. But even if it was the last practice, there were only 8 skaters...

Anyway, so now I don't work. I've got nothing to do. Which is boring.
But it's not only boreness. One of my friends who studies in GB, she came home, so me and my friend met her up for a whole day of fun things! Unfortunately the weather wasn't satisfying, it was cold and a bit rainy. But with friends, you start to forgot all those things.
We had a great time together, and we'll do it again in a near future.

I've also seen a lots of movies while the rain's been raining all the days lately.
First off, Amélie was one of the movies I really got stuck with. In a good way. I've heard the music from the movie a lots of times, 'cause it seemed to be very popular in the skating world. Lot's of girls had the beautiful part of the music. And Kristoffer Berntsson had the other music for two years as his short program. I also love the music, but hadn't had the chance to watch the movie for some reason... So my friend (who came home from GB) lend it to me. And I sat one evening to watch. I surely can't any french at all, so I had to read the subs all the time. Even so, I got into the movie for every second. And I loved it!
So artistic, different kind of story, great colors, and great camera angles. And Audrey Tatou is so cute. The part that shows her childhood at the beginning, there were quite many things I also did when I was a child. Like blowing grass to get a sound.
This movie is a must, for those who likes some different kind of movie.

I've also started to really try to find something I want to study. I've looked up a little on the net. I know that I want to study somewhere else than here. But where, I'm not sure. And also what. I love photography, but I don't think I can live on that. Or can you?
I would like to try many kinds of photography, like sport, art, people, but I can't find a good education...
Or maybe something different?? It must be something very interesting, or I can't do it.
Well well, this thinking has been going on a very long time. I know I don't want to be stuck here.

I have to book a flight soon.

Can't come up with a title...

Omg... (ok, I don't like these shorties, but I'll have to use it now.)

Time flies by, like nothing else... Here we go again, standing on the same spot, doing nothing, not getting any better.

And again, this panic feeling at the end of every month... It seems like I can't get rid of it until I know what will come up next.

Oh, I'm so negative, but it's because:

1. I have one-day lenses (usually use month-lenses) that just don't fit my eyes = I can't see clear at all, which irritates me so much.
2. Well, nothing gets better, it seems like I'm gonna be stuck here still...

3. End of the month = thoughts of what the h*ll I'm doing.

4. I still can't see anything clear

5... etc etc.

I won't continue this crap-list.

I was planning on being i Tokyo at this time! Why won't they let me go??

I'm not doing anything anyway, and it seems like I won't be studying anything next season. So why have me stuck here anyway at first place?

And the contact lenses, it's because I'm allergic to something out there, so my left eye still gets red from time to time, which means I don't want to use my monthly-lenses so they get worse. Instead it's better using dailies so that I can throw them after a day = dirt won't stuck in my eyes, if there's something on the lenses after being outside.

But I can't see!! = irritates me to the top of everything

I'll go into something nicer.

Last saturday, my friend and her sister and I went to see the Sakura-trees in town, if they have start blooming. So we took our cameras, went out and there they stood blooming for everyone. (The Sakura-festicval should have been this saturday...)

The weather was just niice, sunny, no clouds, temperature around 18 degrees. Sakuras' were beautiful, we sat there and photographed what came into the camera lens.

Just chilled, like everyone else in the park. One of the best times this month.

Here's one of the shot I took with my camera:

oh...crap...

I didn't knew I was gonna experience more of these doing-nothing-days... Now Easter is over, and we're already in the middle of April, which means, soon May, which again gives me not so good feelings. Just the thought...
Well well, I'm still struck with this red-eye thing. My left eye is still red since almost a month ago. The result of the blood test came yesterday, I didn't understand a thing of what it wanted to tell me. Just some numbers I can't understand, but it seems like I'm allergic to some things, not like my mum, but slightly. Well, the result didn't help my eye, it's still red. And the allergic eye drops didn't do a thing. I'm not so sure if I can trust what the doctor told me. She didn't seem to have wrong, but still....

And what's more irritating is, the mail, post. Nothing wants to arrive. Not the Happy Swing issue from GLAY, not the daily contact lenses we bought on internet last week, not the clicker thing for the dog training that had to arrive at least this week, the training is tomorrow..!
So what the heck is going on with the mailing system here??
I want my mail to arrive safely and fast, but hello, nothing is happening?

Oh, I'm so negative, but the thing is, I've got headache and my eye is still red and sometimes hurts a little. And I still can't get out of here. My parents won't let me go to Tokyo....
That's the biggest thing that bugs me right now.

I have to sleep now, or I don't have to, but I can't do better things when I got headache and other bothering things going on.
Why doesn't something nice happen to me?

...doing-nothing-day.

Sigh... I haven't been doing a thing today. Just reading manga, eating stuff from time to time, playing cards on the PC... Ok, I've been practicing bass a short time. I can play one new song now, that I started practicing yesterday evening. And I've photographed Mio a couple of times.

But, I don't feel good by doing nothing for a whole day.
I've said to mum about the house I've found in Tokyo, but she only responds with "how are you gonna pay this rent? It's expensive".

I still feel bad about doing nothing... Mum took "the day off" by not doing anything special. I don't know, but it kind of infected my thoughts too...

Hope tomorrow will be better.

Sitting and scratching my head

This wednesday, GLAY will finally release their next single, "SAY YOUR DREAM". The song with the single's title will be 15 minutes long...! I think it'll be the longest song I'll listened to... I've already seen the first half (!) of the PV to the song. Like a short movie, has a story and a sequel, which I don't know if they'll show it on TV or only on their special site, in which you have to have a password to be able to access to it. Which you can get with the first edition of the single.

I can't wait to hear the songs! It's containing 6 songs, including two instrumentals.


This week I was off north to snowboard with my family, probably the last time since no one (except our youngest brother) wants to go there anymore. Not because it's a bad place, it's a really nice place, but if you've been there almost every year for around 10 yrs, you get bored. But it was fun this time, all members of the family went this time, including our little dog.

But fun it was, and I like snowboarding.


And now, there's only one month left of the skating season. Ok, I think there will be some practices elsewhere, but it won't be many, so I won't have anything to do. 'Cause I haven't looked for some new jobs either.
The thing is, I really wanna move to Tokyo, work there and live there, just for my own sake, so that I'll be able to develop (do you say so?) as a person. I mean, if I'm struck here at home, I won't be able to do anything, 'cause my mum will and is doing everything already, even if I'm helping her with some stuff. Yes, only SOME stuff...

But, I don't know how to convince my parents... I've tried a couple of times, but it always ends up without nothing, or just jokes or nods, looking not-interested...
Well, I'll just start with searching jobs and place to stay, I've searched from time to time, but it's been too early to really decide something for real, since I even haven't convinced my parents at all... But after the skating season, I'll be doing nothing, which means I can be moving at the time doing something good with the time, and not sit here like a dumb-ass doing nothing but scratch my head day in and day out.

...I haven't been writing English for so long, I'm forgetting easy words...! Not good, not good...


Anyway, this is where I am today, and hopefully not be next month.